It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia S10E06 Episode Script
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) Turn this up. This is my jam. Shit! Did I miss the turn? Yeah, I think it was back there. Come on, man. You better hurry up or we're gonna miss that boat. Well, don't blame me. It took Dee a goddamn hour to get dressed like a man. Nah. Captain Barnacle. It's a great new character I'm working on. Arr! - Give me another worm, Charlie. All right, coming up. You want rum or julep? That's a rum one. I'll take the rum one. You guys brought worms in here? Well, we kind of soaked them in alcohol and you suck the alcohol off of them. Ah. I ate mine. You're gonna ruin this! How often do boat parties come around, and with hot Main Line women? This is a classy event. It took me hours to get us invited to this. Uh-oh! There's the boat. Ah Aaah! Goddamn it! We missed it. Aw, this is great. This is exactly what I was worried about. Great, guys. Way to go. You know what? Screw it. I'm going in. What? - Wh-What are you talking about? - We're going in. Not in the water? Yes, we're going in the wa Look, guys, this car was built for this, okay? It's got air intake valves. This is precision British land-to-sea craftsmanship at work. We're going in. We are not missing that boat. What have we become? I mean, we have literally and figuratively missed the boat. I-I used to be a cool guy, right? With a cool car, hanging out all the time. And now I'm a What am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots! You? What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember. But no one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped. Because of you, I changed who I am at my core! Mac Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean, by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird. I think we're just hitting our stride. Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank? Really? - Yeah! 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day. As a matter of fact, we all are. I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs. I mean, what-what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do? - I'd go get the spots. He's got spots! Why do you have spots? You shouldn't have spots. That's absurd, man. That's absurd. You know what? I actually - I blame you for most of this. Me? Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior. You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that. But that made sense, Frank. It worked. You know what? I gotta get away from you people. That's what it is. I-I-I fly off the handle every five seconds now. You know what? I gotta get away from you people. You're all insane! I'm storming out. What? Don't copy me. I'm the one who's angry. Goddamn it! You don't storm out on me. I storm out on you. I'm the one who storms out! I'm the one who Oh, oh, oh! Yeah, no, no. Okay. You know what? Yeah, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit. I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before. A cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna leave casually. You want to get lunch? - Sure. Yeah? When was the last time, like just you and me went out to eat? - It's been a while, right? - By ourselves? - Yeah. I don't even know. It's nice to go to a diner too, you know? - Like, I like diners. Yes. I appreciate a menu with pictures. It makes it easier. It's like, sometimes those guys make me do things - that aren't really me, you know, like - Yeah. Okay. I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now - and throw my glass of water in your face. Right. But, uh, you know, I'm realizing that I only do that stuff 'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first. You know what I was about to do? Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom. Then I was gonna sneak out the window and get out of here 'cause I was afraid you were gonna do that to me. Right, right, right. Isn't that weird? - I was though. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. But again, I think it was only 'cause like, that's what the guys would've done and - It's the peer pressure thing from those guys. Yeah. Right. Okay. Well, forget the guys today, right? - They're not here. So, um - Yeah. Like, what do you want to do? - Uh, let's see. I'd like to order my food in a German accent. Right, right. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? - I guess that's just I-I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time. You know? 'Cause that's what people have come to expect from me. Mmm. But that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me. Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all. Well, what about you? What do you want to do? Okay. Uh, well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich but, uh but I think I wanna get the beak on the side? - Mmm. Frank's always making me eat it first and, frankly, I'd rather eat it last if I'm gonna eat it at all. Ooh, I can help you here. Instead of eating it last, you don't have to eat beak at all. Oh! - Ready to order? - Ooh! - Yeah. Ja, well, uh, I would like the I'm sorry. I would like a chicken sandwich, please. Okay. And you? - Beak! No. No! No. R-Regular chicken sandwich. That's it? - That's it for him. Okay. You did it! - You did it. God, I really wanted to say it. I saw that you wanted to say it badly. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, this is good. This is great. I'm very proud of you. This is really good. All right. Look at us! Cheers! Yeah. No beak. Bob, I want to thank you for answering my ad so quickly. Well, I really needed a car, and I always wanted a Range Rover. Yeah, well. Hey, I gotta tell you though. This is not just a car. This is a lifestyle. This is an Eddie Bauer edition. Tortoiseshell interior, supercharged twin cam European luxury sports-utility vehicle, my friend. Wow. Yeah. It's a classic, okay? The only reason I'm giving her up is 'cause I'm ready to turn a page. Yeah. I'm thinking about getting an Alfa Romeo. What do you think? Two seats. Me and a babe. You like babes, Bob? - Oh, yeah, sure! - Yeah! Who doesn't like babes? Yeah. Yeah, it's a wonderful machine. I used it to traverse the plains of the Serengeti of my life. And now I want that for you, Bob. There she is. I'm sorry. Are you t-talking about the car in the river? Yeah. Well, it's an amphibious exploring vehicle, so You-You think you can pull it out of the river? No, no. What fun would that be? That's not my job. That's your job. I don't want to take that from you. You're gonna love it. Yeah, right, but I just I didn't bring a change of clothes or anything. That's not really my fault, is it? You know, I gotta say, uh, your line of questioning's starting to starting to annoy me. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I thought I was gonna see a car on land. You being cute right now? Is that what's happening? - No. I'm not being cute. Then no sale! How about that? 'Cause you don't deserve the car. The car has spoken. I have spoken. You obviously don't get what's happening here. So be gone with you! All right. There's that anger coming up again. I'm getting weird and arch. But that's the gang's fault. That's-That's not me. I'm fine, see? I'm I'm calm, man. I'm cool as a cucumber. It's all good. It's all good. Talking to myself. But that's just 'cause I-I've got shit to say, you know? Oh, hey! Hey, I'm Mac, former party boy. Looking to get back into the party-boy scene. You want me to milk your adrenal gland? You'll go berserk. Eh? No? That's all right. Ugly anyway. You're gonna find that ass to crush. Yoo-hoo, Mac. Beat it, Frank. You're acting like it's 2006. Hey, listen, the hell with Dennis. Don't let him screw up a good thing that we got. Come on, we'll start our own crew. Beat it, Jabroni. Hey, look at that. Hmm? What? Oh, that? Is that what you want? I can get you all that you want. Maybe I've been thinking about this all wrong. You know, man? Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years. Maybe that's what I need. Well, we've always known that. Party boy, coming your way. Guys - We did it. We did it. Opened a bar. Hey, gang. We pulled it off. Frank. Oh, hello. I just parted ways with my old crew, and I'm looking for a new one. I'm a financier. Of fun things, like schemes and pranks and such. You got anything? You interested? What? Uh, what are you celebrating? Uh, we-we just bought a bar together. You just bought a bar? - Yeah. That is fantastic. That's perfect. Thanks. Next round's on me. Uh, thank you. Awesome. Cheers! You know, Mac and Dennis aren't here. They're not gonna ridicule us. We get to just pick whatever we want to do. Well, you know I like making music. Yeah, and I like listening to it but i-it hasn't really ever gotten us anywhere in the past. So, wh-what about poetry? I like poetry, but only if it's def. Def poetry. Yeah, like def poetry slams. Those are awesome. I love that. What happened to that? I don't know. Did people just stop thinking they were cool? That's crazy. Black people don't do stuff that's not cool. Yeah, so - He doesn't deserve the car and that's the plain and simple of it. Are you crying? - No, I wasn't It's humid outside, all right? That-That's why there's moist I don't have to explain myself to a worm-sucking idiot! Dee, where's the computer? I thought you were gonna try and control your rage. This is irritation, okay? There's a difference. And why are you irritated? - I'm irritated because I'm having trouble finding a proper buyer for the Range Rover. I need to create a new ad to attract an appropriate buyer, all right? Not some asshole who's got a problem with the car being in a river. It's awesome that the car is in a river. I need someone who can see that. Arrogance, vanity, all over. He's underwater, like a Range Rover. I'm sorry, what is this? What are you doing? - Def poetry. Don't do that. Makeup smearin'. No power steerin'. He be talkin', but we don't be hearin'. I command you to stop. Speaks like Zeus. Smells like poops. Rage all over from his head down to his shoes. Zeus, poops and shoes? Guys, you suck at def poetry. You know what? Announcement. I have an announcement to make, all right? Thank you for gathering for me. I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't. Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years. And I'm done lying, okay? And I found someone who's gonna allow me to be me. Okay, good. Great! Finally. Let's do this. That makes sense. Let's get this over with. Let's talk about this. Yes! Guys, I'd like you to meet the love of my life, Dusty. Come on in, Dusty. Why did I have to wait in the hall? Oh, I was doing a thing for my friends. No, no, no, Dusty's a man. Where's Dusty? No, Dusty is a w-woman. Why would you think Oh! Because of the name. No, no, she's called Dusty because she's really into angel dust. I am super into angel dust. Does she have a dick? - Why would you think she has a dick? Come on, wh-what was that whole speech about then? Oh, well, the last few years I've been settling for fives, you know and I've been giving you the 10s, okay? But then I realized, you know what? I can be a 10 guy too. I saw a 10, I went after a 10, and I got a 10! Let's go, Dusty. We don't need these turkeys. I'm gonna go slam ass. I'm gonna go bang this chick. What the hell is this? - Anger bubbling like a pot. Gettin' hot. Gonna explode like a bomb in a toad. You mark my words. If you decide to get into def poetry, you are going to fail and bomb and gag and fail and bomb. It's That's just You know, but I don't care, man. That's cool. Do whatever you want, man. I-I'm a cool guy now, so I'm gonna grab this laptop. I'm gonna go make a new ad for my awesome Range Rover, which I'm gonna sell and then I'm gonna get myself an Alfa Romeo. You know? Just me and a babe. Just me and a babe. So, you guys do whatever you want. You like it? Come on. Why would you say that? - I'm just kidding. Guys, guys, guys! I got news. I got terrible news. Wait, dude, do I Oh Oh, yeah. Hey. You're the You're that guy from the other night. Oh! - I didn't recognize you without the hairpiece. This is awful. There's a Jew trying to buy us out of everything. You want to get him back? - What are you What are you talking about? - I don't know. W-Well, I'm not usually the idea man. I'm the money man. Okay, don't worry about it. What we'll do is we'll have a beer, and then we'll come up with something. Okay. You know, we really appreciated the drinks the other night but we-we've got to get to work. You gotta get a ferret down in the basement because Charlie says ferrets scare the shit out of rats. What are you talking about? What is Wh-Who is Charlie? You're Charlie. No, you're too tall. By any chance, do you have homosexual tendencies? For you, you could be Dee, but you're smaller. You got a better body, I think. You, I don't know I don't know who the hell you are - 'cause we didn't have a black. Sir - Yeah? - You got to get out of here. Oh! Oh, I get it. I get it. I got to prove myself, right? Okay, I get it. I'm gonna get to work and I'll make it really happen, and this is so exciting. You guys, this is gonna be great. Clear. No fear. Our words, our passion that flows like beer. Misery! - Chains. Thunder. Rain. We're chasing the dragon. We're chasing our pain. Now, stop, breathe. Unbroken. You're free. Shit, that's def. That's super def right there. Oh! Oh, shit, that was the deffest. Hey, here's a crazy idea. Hmm? Why don't we run out, go to an open mike night, like, right now? - Right now? I'm scared. Yeah, Dee. No, I know, but, look, without Mac and Dennis like, constantly coming down on us, you're not gonna bomb. You're gonna do great. You know, I just feel like I'm feeling something. I'm totally feeling it. Something, like, crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess we make a really good - We make a really good team. We do make a really good team. You're calming me down, and we're good at this together. Cool, cool. All right. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. That's great. Let's go to it. Oh, shit. Whoops! Uh! - Just kidding. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great crowd, huh? - Yeah, big night! Hey-o! Beer me. What a crowd, huh? Oh. Hi. Uh, y-yeah. It's-It's good. It's busy. You're welcome. Wait, you brought all these people here? I bought 'em all fake IDs. Huh? - Yeah. These are all underage kids, tweens and such. I never got to do that scheme. Why? Why-Why-Why would you do this? I don't know why they did it. They must've had a good reason. Oh, also, I let a ferret loose in here and called the health inspector. What? - What? Why? - So you could do the thing, you know - Snap to. You better do it quick too. That kid looks sick as hell. Excuse me. Hi. You the guy selling the car? Uh, yeah. Y-Yes. Hi. Hi. Yeah, I might like to buy it. What do you want for it? Well, I was thinking somewhere in the ballpark of the original price but, uh, considering the circumstances I'm open to a reasonable discussion. All right. I mean, it is an amphibious exploring vehicle - so it should be fine, right? - Yes. Yes, absolutely. It's nice to talk to a reasonable man. Now, are you a sportsman? Because you look very fit. Oh, I ski. You ski? - Yeah. Oh, excellent. Love skiing. Yeah. Do you travel a lot? - For work, yeah. Europe? Eastern Europe? Uh, all over, really. And I assume you'll be taking the car with you on these trips? Me? Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm-I'm looking for something for my daughter. Your daughter? - Yeah. You know, safe, slow vehicle. Good starter car. Starter car. That's right. I have contained my rage for as long as possible but I shall unleash my fury upon you like the crashing of a thousand waves! Begone, vile man! Begone from me! A starter car? This car is a finisher car! A transporter of gods! The golden god! I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds! - We're gonna figure this out. No, I know. I know. Hey! What's up, bitches? I'm a man-cheetah. You want to do something with this? We lost it. We lost our bar. Huh? - Yeah. The health inspector called the police, man. The control board pulled our liquor license. And we got a $75,000 fine for serving minors. Well, uh, the other crew always had something up their sleeve. I got an idea. We don't want to hear your ideas. This is all your fault. Well, wait, Kelly. Maybe he can help us. It sounds like he's used to this kind of thing. Really? - Yeah, th-that's true. He got us into this mess. Maybe he can get us out of it. Okay, old man. What's your plan? Where did - Can I, um - What? - No. There's a beer I want to, uh - Oh. Yeah, I'm s-sorry. So, you know, just All right? Okay. Do you want one, or - No, I I don't. All right. Good. Yep. Is it cold in here? - I'm not a thermostat, so - Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Hey. Okay, all right, all right, listen. I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were. I want things to go back to normal. I don't like the way things are going. I want 'em to go back to normal. What the hell are you doing, man? - I'm storming in. I was storming in What, are you a man-cheetah? - Yeah. Cool. You like it? All right. Yes. All right, come on, let's - I can't do this anymore. That last crew sucked on ice. Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing. I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you on board? I want to go back to the way things were. Oh, yeah - Definitely want things to be normal again. We should go back in time. Can we go back a lot? - Can we go way back? Did you bomb and fail and bomb, just like I knew you would? - He did. Oh, yes, yeah. That's all that happened and nothing else happened other than that. It was a poetry thing. It was bad. It was really bad poetry. Shut up, bird! - You shut up! You can't read! Okay, this is good, all right. Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is good. This is good. So we're all in agreement? - Frank, pay to get my car out of the river. Yes? Done. Good. All right. Oh, shit. That's starting again. Right, yeah, you know what? Mac's not gonna want to go back to normal. He's been banging that hot chick in the back office all day. No, I don't like this, okay? It's-lt's unnatural, and I won't have it. I'm putting an end to this right now. We're going back to normal, yeah? Yeah, you like that? What the hell's going on in here? What is this? Oh, we totally just banged or whatever. You're fully clothed, Mac. Have you been pretending to bang this chick the entire time? - No. He can't even get it up with me. Well, that's because she's not even that hot. She's very hot. What? I don't know. I'm, like, not even feeling that, you know? Can I get my angel dust now? - Oh. Hmm. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Jesus Christ, dude. Come on, buddy. You don't have to - Wow. Wow. No. All right, you know what, guys? Listen, it's fine. It's all good, Mac, okay? Look Do you want to go back to the way things were where we don't ask questions, you just go about your business? - Yeah! - Done. I was hoping this day would come. I saved a special surprise for us. Is he a man-cheetah? - Yeah! Awesome. It's really cool. Who wants rum ham? Rum ham! Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)